Monday, 22 October 2012

When I watched Twilight through the bottom of a wine glass

As I have previously mentioned, I have never read any of the Twilight series. Instead, I have read the entire list of Mark Reads blog posts from when he read the books. They are hilarious! And hateful. He loathes the books, as do most other readers and reviewers, with the obvious exception of teenage girls with strange ideas about sexuality and what is acceptable behaviour in a 'loving' relationship.

Putting my judgemental hat on; everything I know about this series leads me to think it is tragic and truly awful and a terrible book for young women to be reading. 

However, for some ill-judged reasons I decided a little while ago that while I will never read the books, I will try to watch the movies. I think I felt I was missing out on a significant if unfortunate piece of pop culture. Like if I'd never seen the Old Spice ad, read Harry Potter or watched Star Wars (none of which are unfortunate but all of which are vital artefacts of our modern culture). 

So on Friday night I armed myself with a bottle of plonk red and an empty house and I sat down to watch 'Twilight'. I also decided to text Jane throughout the evening and perhaps even send out some tweets. Because there is nothing like Twitter for over-sharing.

Here is a selection of texts and tweets I sent out that night:

Half a bottle (of wine) down, about to start watching and already regretting this. I hate the menu music!!!
This movie is creepy and suspiciously green-tinted already. #Twilightwhiledrunk
Second bottle opened for second half of the movie. How can this be a kid's film, it's so bad on the liver!?!

Bella Swan; least interesting character ever devised? Yes. Fact. #Twilightwhiledrunk 

Wow. What genuinely tragic special effects. This movie was made in the 80s right? The Princess Bride is more realistic. #Twilightwhiledrunk 

Tom Cruise as the Vampire Lestat was scarier and more intimidating than this bunch of sparkling butterflies. #Twilightwhiledrunk

I think watching this film without reading the book is like doing the same thing with Harry Potter; you miss all the subtext. Except in this case, there is no subtext.
2 hours of my life I'm never getting back. I am now going to drink the rest of this bottle of wine so my evening wasn't a complete waste of time. 


So now the big question; do I keep going and watch the next one? While drunk, obviously.


  1. Haha no. There's a reason why I always watch them on DVD - the movies are so bad. I luckily read the books first because my boss forced them upon me. The books are definitely better than the movies.

  2. See, I've had people say the movies are 'better' because they're over much quicker than the books. All down to personal taste as always.

    The movie was absolutely shocking!


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